Why as a Christian I can't accept disability

One thing I've wrestled with is how I accept Emma's disability while still believing and hoping for an outcome that goes above and beyond what medical doctors consider 'possible'.

The truth is I can't accept Emma's disability.

I love and accept my daughter but I do not love or accept the disability that limits her.

Why? Because God doesn't love or accept her disability either.

How could I believe in a loving, gracious God and also believe he is responsible for pain, suffering and disability? I believe that God is exactly who he says he is in his word (the bible). He is good. He is loving. He is kind. He is faithful. He is sovereign, all-powerful and has overcome the world. He has the power to bring change, to heal and work all circumstances for good. But just because he can bring good things out of disability (and all of life's challenges) it doesn't mean he loves and accepts disability in the same way he loves us as sinners but doesn't love or accept our sin. 

It's not who he is. He is perfect. He is good. 

There are times when I feel sorry for myself, get angry at God and imagine the worst possible outcome which is her lifelong dependence on me. Each time I've allowed those negative thoughts to escalate I've become exhausted and discouraged. If I accepted her disability it would mean staying in that place. I don't like it there. It's scary and lonely and well, hopeless. 

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life" - Proverbs 13:12

If we accept disability we accept defeat. How can we fight for our child if we're already defeated?

The bible says "We are more than conquerors...".

A wise person said to me once that every prayer and every therapy is a fight for Emma. Her encouragement was to keep fighting and never give up. We fight because there is hope! 

We can't always choose our circumstances but we can always choose our response.

I choose not to accept defeat and give up. I choose to fight.

I  choose to be positive everyday - even the days when I feel like my heart might break.

I choose to trust God believing that "his ways are higher than my ways".

I choose not to allow negative thoughts and bitterness to consume me because if I give them a foothold they will. I have to take those thoughts captive and replace them with promises from God's word.

I choose to hope against hope that one day my daughter will live a full life.

Having said all that, I do accept one thing - I accept where we are at today but I continue to hope and pray for a better future. 

Be encouraged xo